Well, it has been the most eventful month Ive had in a long long while. Years really. On july 1 I left my former home in a shack in the dunes of my beautiful, remote, isolated, provincial hippie town. I left my partner of 5 years there, and drove north, my pick up truck loaded to capacity with all my worldly posessions. (I got rid of what ever I could, the cabin I am moving to is so small and cute.) As I drove away watching him wave goodbye with the most aching look on his face, I thought "this is a man to whom something aweful is about to happen." I tried to stay with him, out of love and need, through so many years and so many fights, through so much that is so complex, I could never begin to describe it let alone make sense of it. I stayed through long periods of calm, joyous love between us too. Our relationship had so many rare beautiful qualities, it is a tradgedy that this was not enough to keep us together, for we are clearly apart now that I am 15 hours drive away. Everyone must feel that when their relationship ends. That it was so unique and rare and special. Isnt each one? Still, I feel that the one between he and I was unusually so. Marked by striking honesty, childlike sweetness, and a collusion with eachother against all mundanities and tedium and the petty tyranies in the world around us that we both suffer from an acute awareness of. There is certainly more to say and much more to feel on this topic, but there will never be enough space in the world to write the history of that love or the meaning of its loss, and I will never be truely ready to say goodbye. But I am already gone.

I thought I would totally freak out all alone in my cabin, with no electricity, no company, no radio even. But I didn't. As it turns out, so far I have loved the solitude and calm. I love being free from the pressure othe relationship with D. I love not being watched and judged. I love not having to account to anyone about what Im doing or why. It feels like being a man.

Since getting to my cabin, I got the solar system set up and now I can get on the net there again. (I already had a phone line) m. (yes, the submissive lover Ive had since last october-) came to visit me and very kindly helped me set up my plumbing. I dug a long ditch by hand to run water lines to the well, and I set up the back porch as an outdoor kitchen. The place is totally livable after one month. And so beautiful too. How lucky I am.

While M. was visitng me, we had many emotionally intense and sexually hot moments. We have never had so much time together, and it was amazing to sleep in his arms night after night. He is so good to me, probably the nicest boyfriend I have ever had. There is the possiblity that the reltaionship could evolve into a primary relationship, out of its former secondary status. But its too soon for me to seriously consider it, and too soon to even know what I have with him or judge its potential. The sex we had ranged from me wearing my new obcenly decadent dominatrix costume and strap-on fucking him, to me begging him to fuck me in the ass twice in a row, impatient with him to get hard minutes after the first time, craving the sensation of having my ass filled with sperm.

Oh yeah, here's the update on the question of should I become a pro-domme.... Yes, Im going to try it. It is a relatively low capital outlay and high-return business prospect, so I thought I would experiment with it in a no-pressure way for a little while. As if it were a hobby. I invested in thigh high six-inch heal black boots, worn with stockings, garters, a short leather skirt, and a satin corset. I have worn it with M. and with my new lover s. and it seems to provide the necessary eye-candy to justify the high prices I will be charging by the hour for my time and my best bad attitude. Since in my every day life, Im more the ditch-digging chainsaw-wielding country girl type, this sexual fantasy play gives me a place to act out my desires to be an object of feminine sexual power and desire, without overly compromising my image or my self image in reality. Its really fun to be 6'2" and watch lovely and deserving men kiss my toes when they are so far away!

I also invested in leather bondage restraints, a good quality flogger, and a very wicked spanking paddle. That is sort of the bare minimum set up. When and if I start making money, I will get more gear for the business. I have an elaborate plan in place to preserve my safety and sanity while doing it. But, Ill let you know how it goes.

Ah yes, and this s. is the s. I was having naughty phone conversations with since before I moved up here. He lives in the city two hours away from the rural town my cabin is in. This is the city I will be working out of as a Domme. I have seen him 3 times now and find him to be a kind and interesting man, and a very hot and sumbmissive submissive. I feel something delicious in him that I desire... a soulful and somewhat dark element. The second night I was with him he held my ass in his hand while he slept, and I felt so primally female. The third visit we indugled in a mutual and very taboo fantasy, and I gave him an enema, which I made him hold while I stimlated his cock. This after a night of tease and denial domination and lots of foot and boot kissing. My more vanilla readers may be shocked at the level of kink Im getting into here, but believe me, these are long held fantasies of mine and now that I live closer to the city I will get to live them out, and write about it, so this blog is even less for the faint of heart than ever! s. was so well behaved all night that he was allowed to taste me for the first time. When I dominate, my pussy gets so wet and slippery, much wetter than sexual touch ever makes me. I let him feel it with his tongue. This was last night, and he came while masturbating and sitting on the toilet releasing his third (mostly clean water) enema while I straddled his face with one boot on the edge of the tub and his mouth was pressed into me.

Today I used my new flogger and spanker on him, and put him through quite a lot of pain, always making him beg me for it first and thank me for it afterwards. Same thing with face-slapping and cock-slapping. I had him restrained the whole time in wrist and ankle restraints and collar. I then began probing his asshole with a set of anal beads, and although he insists he cannot be penetrated very deeply, I proved otherwise. He was also able to be widened thoroughly by use of an inflatable butt plug. For those of you who have never tried one, it is a sexual experience not to be missed. It stays narrow around the anus, but blows up as big as a fist on the inside. It allows the fullness of fisting without the difficult penetration. And it vibrates.

After so much play, he was able to take my larger, ridged, vibrating strap on cock. He was very slutty and ready for it and backed on to it in about 3 seconds with no resistance or pain. When orgasm is close for the sub I love to hear him beg me in a stream-of conciousness way to fuck him, or hurt him, or to tell me that he is my slut and that he belongs to me and will do anything I want. The thing I love to hear most is that he belongs to me. I gave him a good, steady fucking untill he came, with no stimulation on his cock at all. (except very very slight from the sheet below him) Like the bitch he kept telling me he is.

Now I am on the road for a two week road trip to see family and friends. It will be full of support and love, which I need so much right now. And when I return I have much work to do on my cabin, in creating my new life, and in starting my new business as professional sexual royalty.

love to you all, where ever you may be and in what ever circumstances this journal finds you...
- posted by Zoe @ 5:27 PM