Postmodern Love
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
A NEW POST FOR ONCE!!!
Dearest readers... Alas I have been sooo busy lately I have all but dropped my entire internet-based existance. My job increased from about 25 hours a week to 40+ and I have had a lot to do to prepare for my move to my rustic cabin in the woods in june. I do plan to have internet there, via a solar laptop battery charger and a phone line. I expect e-life will resume somewhat at that point, although I expect to be very busy all summer.
Let me catch you up on my sexual world briefly:
I have no new active partners, still the same two. Since I have last wrote my sub, M. and I have discussed the fact that we are in love, which was quite a relief for me after biting back the words for months now. My partner D. has a new love interest, and it has freed me up somewhat to be more open with my own outside partner... emotionally open I mean. M. is very different than any man Ive been with, in that he is both more "normal" in some ways while being more sexually deviant. His fundamentally respectful, reserved, and thoughtful nature make him pleasure to be with, and our differences are eased by our comfortable way of spending time together.
I have been through ups and downs with D. lately, as many different issues are pressuring our relationship-- our outside relationships and my approaching move being the main two. He will probably not be able to join me in the cabin for 6 months to a year. After almost 5 years together now, I have had some anxiety for the first time in awhile that we might not make it through this next phase as a couple. I have had a lot of anxiety about that with him over the course of the relationship though, just not recently. I have had a lot of worry and abivilence about every relationship I have ever been in. During my recent feelings of instabilty about the relationship, though, there have been some intense periods of closeness, coexistant with the recent lovey-doveyness in my relationship w/ M. Some times I feel intensely in love with both of them at the same time. I love that.
D. and I have a new sexual bargain going on that I am a bit ashamed to admit. I wanted to see M. more often, and be able to have vanilla sex with him if I wanted to and that upset D. because as far as he was concerned the point of the relationship with M. was that I could dominate him and thus I was satisfying something I was unable to satisfy with him. He would like to have vanilla sex with me, especially anal sex, every day of the week if possible. Needless to say thats been far beyond my abilities. So, the rediculous bargain is that I can have more days with M. in exchange for NOT MASTURBATING at all anymore, and giving D. anal sex (me being the receptive party) once for every night I spend with M. after the allowable "free" one night a week. Although we both think this is kind of a fucked up arrangement, we each do end up getting what we want most through it, and we kind of have fun with it and dont take it terribly seriously. Or we like to think we dont.
The arrangement has resulted in me being very horny and lustful all the time from not masturbating. (playing into my submission to forced-chastity fantasies...) Also, I have been seeing M. at least one extra day each week, sometimes two, and so I have to let D. fuck me in the ass a few times a week, which I am only interested in doing if we are in some age-play fantasy where I submit to him via roleplay as a molesting older boyfriend in relationship to myself a-la-nieve-16-year-old. Ive been enjoying the exploitation a lot and have had some insane orgasms while in this compromised position, of buying my freedom through sex. So for those of you who wonder how open relationshps function, I'm here to offer mine as the model of psycological health and mutual respect.
Also on the sexual front, Im considering becoming a pro-domme. I have thought of it for several years but only now has D. given his full endorsement for it. He felt badly about such prosepects in the past for various reasons, including that two of his sisters have done sex-work in the past, and he didn't feel good about it. I have respected his feelings and not done it. Recently he said "its not really any of my business, its your life..." in a very kind way, and so I've been considering it. I would like most to do it if I could be very choosy about the men I was with, and cultivated long standing relationships with sincere and respectful subs, who would support me in exhange for fulfillment of the fantasies we share... I am fascinated by people who share my fetishes. My own sexual drives relating to power and those fetishes are strong enought to make me feel a strong nurturing kinship with others who are also sexually dependant on them. When I was driving through a city this week on my way to my cabin, I talked with an old friend of mine who is an ex-pro-domme about this idea and she said she would be interested in starting up again herself and running a business with me if I go through with it. Who knows? It's still in the idea phase. Im considering it and I thought you would be interested. Sbould I do it? M. says he will be my body guard. And participate on occasion. Yumm...
