Dear readers,

I am away for the holidays untill January 2. Happily, I'm in a place without electricity and without computers or internet. With the sensuality of candlelit nights and food cooked over a wood stove, not to mention waking up in the middle of the night to go outside and pee in the rain with water running down my back, and days spent without any sound or distraction, my sexuality is more intense and dark than ever. There will be more stories and experiences to tell of soon.

May 2004 be a year of amazing sexual satisfaction for us all!

- posted by Zoe @ 6:17 PM

 
Obliterating thing

This is an excerpt from a letter to a beautiful girl.

I, too, want to explore my sexuality to its deepest levels without concern for taboo. This means a whole range of things, from deep levels of submission to extreme levels of domination, including slave-ownership, long-term body modification, forced chastity, etc.

I have been more of a role-play Domme than a 24/7 Domme, and there are only a few people who have brought out in me an interest in staying in Domme-space with them consistently. So far, that is with people who desire only to relate to me in that way, so strongly that they are literally unable to relate to me any other way. I am rather moved by their need and my need to own them arises.

Mostly, various aspects of my personality make me less inclined to stay in the Domme persona for long periods of time. I have a hard time taking myself that seriously, I have problems with authority in general, and I like to be more relaxed. I find I can slip into Domme-mode easily in scenes and go very deep with it even if I was just hanging out with the sub as friends and equals minutes before.

My casualness about my Domme persona does not undermine my seriousness about domination. I can be very aroused and quite emotionally touched by brutality, serious degradation, cruelty, and demented levels of humiliation. My first experiences with submission were with ageplay, and I have a strong predilection towards that as a Domme... Kind of a maternal, nurturing, yet nasty and humiliating streak. I can't really pull off straight brutality without a heavy dose of nurturing love.

My desire these days is to "break" a submissive emotionally and sexually at the same time, to see them reduced to tears, reduced to nothing but their need for my mercy and compassion, to take them to that place in all of our hearts where we are obliterated- driven into oblivion. I want to be that obliterating thing.
- posted by Zoe @ 9:32 AM

 
sad songs

I spent the night at M's house for the first time in several weeks on Sunday night. I had been going home after dominating him, because at first I was staying overnight and it lead to a lot of really sweet cuddling which cultivated a lot of fondness and we both knew would lead to falling in love in no time. Not spending the night was an effort to pre-empt getting hurt. Knowing me, I'll fall in love with him anyway. I fall easily, I'm not really worried about it. I expect it will bring sadness and I accept that. I have fallen in love with several "outside partners" before. I know the cycle... fall in love, enjoy it, eventually it has to end, then I feel sad for awhile, then I feel better, and I do not regret the emotional intensity shared. I am apprehensive about encouraging such attachment in him, not wanting to bring any unnecessary unhappiness into his life.

We had a lovely time... It was more vanilla than usual, which is nice for variety. I don't have a strictly sub/Domme relationship with him... It is a standard sexual/romance in many ways. On the spectrum between "role-play" domination and "24/7 slavery" as it is termed, he and I are heavily on the role play side... Equals in life, power exchanged sexually. This is the type of domination/submission I've been involved with, and until recently the only type I was interested in. Having a slave as opposed to a submissive seemed like a responsibility and level of power I found undesirable, although I continually fantasies about the level of control and the emotional potency I would have with a slave.

Unlike many people in BDSM, I don't believe 24/7 is a more legitimate or superior sub/Domme relationship than role-play domination. I think each domination scene or coupling of people has its own level and type of domination that is unique to those people and that period in their lives, and that as long as what is there is allowed to flower fully it is a sincere and perfect expression of power, sexuality, and love.

That said, I see a poetry in the ultimate forms of power exchange that go with making the inequality more and more intense and realistic. The further along the spectrum one goes, away from vanilla sex with its subtle, undefined, and nebulous power dynamics and its status-quo gender roles and limited list of activities, the more sexual archetypes are expressed in raw forms. The human experiences of suffering, devotion, submission, domination, control, compassion, helplessness, mercy, need, and desire are expressed in highly refined states that break my heart with their poetic motions. Is this not a gourmet sexuality? Each flavor distinct, varied flavors married in combinations that overwhelm the senses. Power exchange as theatre, poetry, a painting. An epic tale of captive princesses, sirens, boy-hero's, sons and mothers, mythical half-animal half-god half-male half-female creatures, boy-mermaids.

When asked why it is necessary to have darkness in sex, instead of simply making love sweetly, I once reflected that it is for the same reason sad songs are necessary. I am sickened by too much saccharine. I like sweetness for desert, but the meal must be hearty and savory and rich and contain all the flavors of life, seasoned with the salt of tears which is the salt of the endless ocean that roars outside my small house.

Fed so well by my savory relationship with M., I was able to indulge in sweetness with him. He massaged me sensually until the pleasure in my soothed muscles merged with sexual stimulation as he massaged my pussy-lips and asshole with warm oil too, and penetrated both with his fingers. I massaged him too, until he was resting and pacified. When I entered him, he needed no preparation and had no resistance. I lay on my back as he rode my strap-on. As far as vanilla sex goes, I really enjoy this. I would much rather penetrate than be penetrated, and I love watching anyone get off on anal sex. After he came, I lay beside him and masturbated in my usual way, with him playing with my tits for me and watching my long, powerful orgasm. I love for boys to watch me cum, I know my orgasms are sumptuous and the exhibitionism of sharing them makes it even more pleasurable. I am able to female-ejaculate, too, but usually don't make a habit of it 'cause it's messy.

The mood was so warm and sweet and delicious that later I extended a rare invitation for him to fuck me. A little age-play style "please Mommy's pussy" dialogue was thrown in, but really, this was love-making pure and simple, and it felt wonderful. Although with a partner I'm very familiar with I am able to orgasm this way if I am masturbating my clit at the same time, usually the effort involved distracts from my enjoyment of it. I prefer as always to masturbate afterwards rather than try to be "given" an orgasm. I did this, and came again, lying by his side.

In the morning I gave him a long, hard spanking while fingering his asshole and verbally humiliating him for masturbating to gay porn so often recently and for acting like such an eager slut. I miss how it felt when we really indulged in multiple nights together in a row... The hours upon hours lived in bed and the shmorgasbord of sensuality so decadent and extended.
- posted by Zoe @ 11:20 AM

 
Well, lots has been going on in my sex life I haven't been writing about. How could I begin to capture it all now?

I have been dominating my beautiful boy M. A few times a week for the last month and a half now. Using a knot called "open leg crab" from the Japanese Rope Bondage book, I tie his wrists to his ankles with his legs spread open. His fore-arms are bound to his calves, and his knees are bound so that he can't straighten or move his legs much. Its an easy and graceful knot, with lots of repeated wrapping around the limbs, so there's a thick band of rope covering the legs from the ankles to the thigh. He lays on his back while I blindfold him and bind him. I kiss him softly, slowly, and pull away before he's satisfied. I start a slow build up of successively harder slaps along the shaft and head of his cock.

I love slapping a man's cock. I love doing it till he begs, and I have not yet had a man who let me do it till him until he cried, but that is what I truly desire. Tears rolling down his face, eyes looking up at me miserably, nose runny like a little boy, full on sobbing and practically wretching in pain.

I alternate between hurting and pleasuring him, and when I finally run my fingers down over his asshole and caress it slowly, he acts desperately slutty for it. "Bitch" I say softly. I don't talk much when he's blindfolded. Sometimes I like roleplaying and get off on lots of dialogue. But with him these days I just get really quiet and focus on touch, pain, pleasure, and the vision of him beneath me immobilised and scared and beautiful.

"I want your cock, please, I want your cock" he whines and I say he has to take five fingers first. He's only taken 3 before but he has loosened considerably. His desire for it makes it easier for him. I jerk off his cock with a warm, lubed hand while I penetrate him, going in always a little slower than he wants, so that he always wants more. I wiggle my finger at the opening like a vibrator to coax it into relaxing. Inside, I massage his prostate gently, then firmly, and tell him this is how he should finger a girl's g-spot. I'm sure it must feel similar, from the reactions people give.

I learned something about the prostate/g-spot relationship from Gayboy. Gayboy fingered my g-spot very firmly- much firmer than anyone else would have without me telling them- "harder, deeper! No, deeper into the g-spot, not deeper into my vagina." (I swear there are no nerve endings in there) Then I realized he was fingering it like he would a prostate... And I was like "Oh, I should finger boys like I finger girls. Ok"

So I finger-fuck my submissive like a girl and he moans like a girl and I say, "that's right, girl."

One, two, three fingers go in with relative ease, while I take his cock through cycles of pleasure and pain... But mostly jerk it off to help him take the fingers in his ass. When I try to slip my pinky finger in too, my nail is too sharp. I pull out my fingers and bite off the long nail, nail clippers not available. Re-entering, still too sharp. I want him to be able to take a long hard fuck after this, so I don't want to start a tear or scrape. Not good pain.

Withdrawing my fingers, I remove his blindfold. He blinks open his eyes in the softly lit room and looks at me, deeply adoring, saying "you're so gorgeous." Later he tells me seeing me was like a reward for the pain he endured. He told me he loves my facial expressions when I'm dominating him. I know I must change, when I do it, he changes. His eyes become childlike, vulnerable, fascinated with me, filled with need and hurt and awe. When dominating I feel like the persona of some kind of angel-destroyer comes over me, power flashing in my eyes, my confidence unshakable, my movements fluid.

I look at him and smirk to myself and shake my head, thinking: "You are so fucked right now, you have no idea what you're about to go through" I feel cruel. "You are so fucked." I tell him, shaking my head incredulously "You're so screwed, bitch." And I slap the most sensitive spot on his cock 10 times in a row until I think he really might say mercy and make me stop the scene, even though he knows that means we stop it all together for the whole night. No half measures. I slap him more, all over his cock, watching his face.

I know he's taken about as much as he can stand. I'm the first person he's ever done this with, after all. I untie him and fuck him standing against the wall, then, he bending over and putting his palms on the wall, me behind him holding his hips and his back. Then I sit on the couch and he gets on top of my cock and rides it fast, his loose asshole accommodating it easily, while I jerk off his cock, until he cums while I say "show me how much you like cock, bitch, show me how much you need it."

Although we have been doing this for hours without either of us so much as touching my breasts or pussy, I am dripping wet, so much wetter than sex ever makes me. And I am satisfied. I masturbate anyway, laying down next to him and having him pinch my nipples, which he happens to be naturally world-class at. I think he made up the way he does it himself. It's very stimulating and takes me easily into the part of my secretary fantasy where her boss laughs at her for how sensitive her nipples are and how much it makes her enjoy his exploitation of her ass. "She loves her little nipples pinched" her boss tells his friend who is there to use her ass also, "she'll do anything if you rub her nipples, won't you honey?" And she does, I do.

(I am looking for someone to volunteer to pay for webhosting so I can get off this free account and post photos and have all the proper disclaimers to do that. It will not be a pay site, this is my diary. If you want to help with webhosting, email me at Mz_Loca_1@hotmail.com)
- posted by Zoe @ 5:31 PM