Home in the cabin again. I have only gotten so depressed that it scared me once since I got home, yesterday for a few hours. I needed to get out of the house, I had been indoors unpacking all day since it was rainy. After doing laundry, taking a shower, and eating pizza I felt much better. Again I am truly surprized at how much I enjoy all this isolation in the woods. After seeing D I was sure I was really going to start going nuts.

When I first drove up to the old shack, it felt just like driving home after work at my old job. D came to the door to greet me with his sparklingly loving face, like he always did. I had been thinking, given all our talks on the phone prior to the visit, that we would be breaking up 'officially'. Not that we had been fighting on the phone. Our last fight was in person and I slept on the couch afterwards thinking "ok, dude, if thats how youre going to be fucking have fun by yourself after I leave. I'll be gone in two weeks" After I moved we talked on the phone, calmly, about our problems. They seemed, finally, undeniably insurmountable. So, breaking up was something I wanted to do in person, together.

When I saw him I just melted. How many times has that happened now? (flashing back to all the times he melted my heart after I had shut it, in cafes, in restaurants, over the phone, in the car, and once, looking at a photograph of him standing next to my mom.) I walked in the door of the shack and found instant comfort and relief in the familiarity of home, the familiarity of his arms. Then I was scared. This was not what I planned to do.

I did notice a strange double-emotion as the visit went on. I felt both inside and outside of our love at the same time. I felt an unprecidented distance. And reminders of my discouragement with him were everywhere. He wants me back, though. He is willing to let all his contingencies go in order to just be with me at all, or at least he feels that way momentarily. The type of reversal that is so annoyingly typical in this type of situation. I dont want him, so now he wants me. I swear I wasnt trying to play hard to get. I was just trying to take care of myself and to make rational decisions.

"I'm thirty five, Im nearing middle age, and if I loose you it will be the biggest sign yet that I am being defeated by my liabilities."

"I always told you all I really needed was for you to be nicer to me"

Its true. I didn't mind that he was broke, with no real prospects of exceeding the poverty line. I didnt mind that he spent all his time recording music. I was never jellous of that like girlfriends usually are. I loved his art and I did nothing but encourage it. I even appreciated his moodiness and mental problems. I let him be himself.

But I have problems too. The baggage I have from my childhood and family is that I am very suspicious and distrustful of relatioinships. I think this is probably actually a rational view for any person to have, given how often relationships and family cause people suffering in their lives unlike any other thing. I have a whole list of things that cannot happen to me in a relationship with a man, things that if they even happen a little bit send me into a panic that I am some kind of abused wife type. I can't deal with being yelled at or called names. Fair fighting only. This seems reasonable enough, but most people really have no concept of how to communicate and had horrible childhoods. I basically need to feel respected in my parner's every word and action. No typical male bullshit either- no interrupting me or acting like Im less intelligent or that my interests are less important than his. No financially depending on me, no expecting me to be mommy, no looking for me to civilize him or make him into a responsible adult against his will. No power trips, and no powerlessness. Lets keep all the abuse in the bedroom, please!

D was pretty good about most of these things. But he grew up in a family where people say horrible things to eacchother, and try to hurt eacchothers feelings on purpose. And no matter how concious he tried to be of it, he still slipped and treated me like that when things got too stressful for him. And each time, my heart would sink. It was too much like my family.

On this visit, he said all the right things. He said he wanted to go to a therapist and learn to behave himself, etc. But it feels like too late. Why do people too often do things only when forced? Given my childhood, I just cant tollerate fighting in a relationship like some peeople seem to do. My friend Amelia does it. She and her partner both fight dirty, and make up, and it doesn't seem to be a problem. Its normal to them. But it brings up too much for me, too much fear of being powerless and degraded like my mom was.

But the big question for me was always where to draw the line. Every relationship has problems, every person does, I do. Utopia cannot be found on earth, not even in love. So how bad is too bad? And with D. there was a lot that really worked for me in our relationship. Despite how many people I've had sexual experiences with, and how many I've loved, I actually do not enjoy people very much. I find most people tedious, annoying, with empty lives and empty conversations. Everything smacks of mass culture cliches, television, shopping. D. was so eccentric, so crazy really. He didnt bore me. His mind is lively, his conversation interesting and original. We shared an analytical nature and an artistic heart. I felt kept company by him in such a rare and necesarry way.

Which made it all the more painful when I felt betrayed by his temper.

Now that I am home, I simply turn my focus to building my own life here. I am not dwelling on him very much. I think of other things, but there is a dark bruise on my heart.

- posted by Zoe @ 10:55 AM

 
"You're very plucky," says my mother, when I tell her I am visiting D. When I tell her I needed to come pick up the last of my things. When I tell her I came to talk with him and say everything that needs to be said. "It's hard," says my mother, who is the source of many of my dilemmas about love relationships in my own life, "its hard because you don't want to say anything that leaves anyone with any damage, but sometimes the things that need to be said are unpleasant."

"Well, I think you can only be honest and direct." I'm a big believer in the old fashioned stuff, such as "the truth will set you free." I do believe that. That honesty is healing, that love heals illness of every sort, that being transparent with those around you allows some naked contact in this overcoated world.

"I don't know what I'm doing, Mom," I say. "I'm just feeling my way through everything."

"Well," she says, "you're living life. More people should be doing that."

She says it like she has said "Money is for using," when I have confessed my guilt about spending money on anything at all. And then she tells me, in the same cheerful tone she used on the phone when I was in college when she said "Go study!" she now says "Go live life!"

And I smile. She says it like a cheerleader. Who knows better than she what it is to live life? She who was cheated on and left for a woman 15 years younger than herself after she gave herself to her husband and marriage for 20 hard years, and then was single, dating, rejected by 3 different men she loved after that for another 15 years.

To whom is love a faithful friend?

If love is not, than what is? Love that has healed illness of every sort. Love that has caused illness of every type.

If only lovers could be better friends to each other than life is to us, than love itself is.


- posted by Zoe @ 8:17 PM

 
I am now writing from the little shacky house I used to live in, the one in the dunes. My road trip and visits with family and friends have been extremely special, loaded with significance. Now I am visiting with D, which is about as loaded as anything can be. I'll tell about that sometime soon, but first the road trip....

After leaving my divinely sexy visit with s. I drove to the next city on my route to stay with an old friend. A friend of D's actually, so there is no sexuality going on with him, out of respect for his relationship with D and probably general mutual lack of interest. Its hard for me to get turned on about anyone anymore unless I know they want kink more than sex. I did do something uncharacteristically dangerous (I am a little neurotic about safety) and ride two-to-a-bicycle with him in the city, weaving in and out of traffic, both of us more than a little tipsy. I was convinced at the time it was safer than driving. I felt like I was 19 again.

Then onward... I spend the next night sleeping in the back of my truck by a picturesque lake, my head out of the open the tailgate, below bright stars. The next day I arrived at my cousin's house after a day of driving. He is my favorite relative outside of my immediate family. My brother and I stayed in the mother-in-law unit in the backyard of hs suburban home. What a different life it is when I visit my cousins who have families and children and normal lives. I got to hold a lot of babies and spend lots of time with everyone's children. My cousin and I joke that he is living vicariously through my living a rustic life in the woods, and I live vicariously through his having children. Since I have always been the black sheep in the family, it is quite something to have had this particular cousin embrace me and my life. (what he knows of it, anyway) He and his wife are planning a visit to see me next summer with their two daughters, because they think I am a good example for the girls about being independent and breaking out of confining gender roles. Its the cutest thing ever. They are of course referring to me building things, using power tools, etc. Personally I think "women's work" is much more difficult than using power tools or building things. The only hard part is getting over society's lack of confidence in us to do things. And actually, building dwellings has traditionally been women's work in many cultures of the world throughout time.

I spent the first week of the trip visiting with my parents and going to a big family reunion. It was very fascinating. Many stories were told about immigration, life in the old world and the new. I met like 40 relatives that I had never heard of before. There were many distant 'cousins' my own age-- our great grandparents were siblings. The 20-35 year old crew was large and diverse, and it was such a cool feeling to walk around with such a large group of people my own age who I am related to. The entire family was against George Bush getting re-elected. It was a great visit for bonding with certain family members especially and for meeting new cousins, a few of which I feel I will be friends for life. One is a culinary geek like me, and he and his flamingly gay brother have the sweetest bond with their grandmother. They are the most wholesome grandsons and she is the most badass grandmother I have ever seen, I swear. She told me the secret to aging gracefully is not to dye my hair, stay out of the sun, and use Dr. Haushka (sp?) beauty products. "In our family, we never color!" she says, "grey is very attractive."

Then I visited with 3 different old friends from different eras of my life, first with Hannah, who I have known for 10 years. She looked happier than I had ever seen her, in a new apartment, her artwork going in new and stunning directions, her job and relationship going well. She and her boyfriend are in a very queerish het relationship, both of them being bi and he having been mostly gay, she looking very butch. He photographs drag queens and sex workers professionally, and he did a photoshoot of me for free in exchange for limited use of the pics. It was all very comfortable, non-sleazy, professional... I got some good pictures out of the process for my attempt at prodomme work. The whole femme image thing is a pretty funny ordeal for me. I have barely worn makeup in my entire life, and have no grasp of eyeshadow. Hannah gave me makeup tips she learned from drag queens and by toning them down a bit, I was able to figure out some eyeshadow strategies that weren't too awful. When I wear that costume, I am like a drag version of myself.

I saw my friend Christine for one evening, since she was in the city herself, meeting up with friends to leave for a long backpacking trip. We had delicious eggplant at an Eithiopian restaurant (I will never understand what spices they are using) and talked for hours about everything, after which we went for a long walk passing a bottle of tequila between us. We found a bench in a dark area and I'm sure we were about 20 minutes away from making out, which is always almost about to happen between us, when we looked at the time and I realized I was late to meet Hannah and her boyfriend to see a tranny performance show. Christine is more like myself than almost anyone I've ever met, except she is more organized, ambitious, and well-educated. She is like the Ivy League version of me, and I am like her only more sexual, a little more crazy, and more driven to write. I am so grateful to have her in my life. She and I decided once, sleeping under the stars snuggling on the beach, that if we don't start a business together and if she doesn't become a co-owner of my land at some point, then, since there wont be too much at stake, we can have sex. But oh my god, she has the best fantasies about secretaries, it gets very tempting.

My next stop was with Amelia, another longtime friend and also ex-lover. Out of all the people in my life, she is the one with whom I have best been able to waffle back and forth between lover and friend, seamlessly, with little conflict or confusion. She is training to be a therapist and she was very comforting to talk with about my heartbreak over D. And my big adjustment to my new life in the cabin. One night I cried, with tears streaming down my face without stopping for at least a few hours. I was not sobbing, just tears pouring as if from a faucet that couldn't be turned off. It was almost as if I couldn't allow myself to feel so much without someone there to supervise me in case it caused me to implode. It was 2 days before I would see him, and heavy moods washed over me unstoppably. Mood is such a strange phenomena, like a kind of internal weather. It frightened me, but there was nothing to do but get in my truck and drive to see him, to face that part of me and my world so recently left behind, so fresh and painful, so longed for, so lonely, so sad.

Now I am in the old house, writing while he sleeps like I always did here. When I am ready I'll write about how it is.



- posted by Zoe @ 10:05 AM

 
Well, it has been the most eventful month Ive had in a long long while. Years really. On july 1 I left my former home in a shack in the dunes of my beautiful, remote, isolated, provincial hippie town. I left my partner of 5 years there, and drove north, my pick up truck loaded to capacity with all my worldly posessions. (I got rid of what ever I could, the cabin I am moving to is so small and cute.) As I drove away watching him wave goodbye with the most aching look on his face, I thought "this is a man to whom something aweful is about to happen." I tried to stay with him, out of love and need, through so many years and so many fights, through so much that is so complex, I could never begin to describe it let alone make sense of it. I stayed through long periods of calm, joyous love between us too. Our relationship had so many rare beautiful qualities, it is a tradgedy that this was not enough to keep us together, for we are clearly apart now that I am 15 hours drive away. Everyone must feel that when their relationship ends. That it was so unique and rare and special. Isnt each one? Still, I feel that the one between he and I was unusually so. Marked by striking honesty, childlike sweetness, and a collusion with eachother against all mundanities and tedium and the petty tyranies in the world around us that we both suffer from an acute awareness of. There is certainly more to say and much more to feel on this topic, but there will never be enough space in the world to write the history of that love or the meaning of its loss, and I will never be truely ready to say goodbye. But I am already gone.

I thought I would totally freak out all alone in my cabin, with no electricity, no company, no radio even. But I didn't. As it turns out, so far I have loved the solitude and calm. I love being free from the pressure othe relationship with D. I love not being watched and judged. I love not having to account to anyone about what Im doing or why. It feels like being a man.

Since getting to my cabin, I got the solar system set up and now I can get on the net there again. (I already had a phone line) m. (yes, the submissive lover Ive had since last october-) came to visit me and very kindly helped me set up my plumbing. I dug a long ditch by hand to run water lines to the well, and I set up the back porch as an outdoor kitchen. The place is totally livable after one month. And so beautiful too. How lucky I am.

While M. was visitng me, we had many emotionally intense and sexually hot moments. We have never had so much time together, and it was amazing to sleep in his arms night after night. He is so good to me, probably the nicest boyfriend I have ever had. There is the possiblity that the reltaionship could evolve into a primary relationship, out of its former secondary status. But its too soon for me to seriously consider it, and too soon to even know what I have with him or judge its potential. The sex we had ranged from me wearing my new obcenly decadent dominatrix costume and strap-on fucking him, to me begging him to fuck me in the ass twice in a row, impatient with him to get hard minutes after the first time, craving the sensation of having my ass filled with sperm.

Oh yeah, here's the update on the question of should I become a pro-domme.... Yes, Im going to try it. It is a relatively low capital outlay and high-return business prospect, so I thought I would experiment with it in a no-pressure way for a little while. As if it were a hobby. I invested in thigh high six-inch heal black boots, worn with stockings, garters, a short leather skirt, and a satin corset. I have worn it with M. and with my new lover s. and it seems to provide the necessary eye-candy to justify the high prices I will be charging by the hour for my time and my best bad attitude. Since in my every day life, Im more the ditch-digging chainsaw-wielding country girl type, this sexual fantasy play gives me a place to act out my desires to be an object of feminine sexual power and desire, without overly compromising my image or my self image in reality. Its really fun to be 6'2" and watch lovely and deserving men kiss my toes when they are so far away!

I also invested in leather bondage restraints, a good quality flogger, and a very wicked spanking paddle. That is sort of the bare minimum set up. When and if I start making money, I will get more gear for the business. I have an elaborate plan in place to preserve my safety and sanity while doing it. But, Ill let you know how it goes.

Ah yes, and this s. is the s. I was having naughty phone conversations with since before I moved up here. He lives in the city two hours away from the rural town my cabin is in. This is the city I will be working out of as a Domme. I have seen him 3 times now and find him to be a kind and interesting man, and a very hot and sumbmissive submissive. I feel something delicious in him that I desire... a soulful and somewhat dark element. The second night I was with him he held my ass in his hand while he slept, and I felt so primally female. The third visit we indugled in a mutual and very taboo fantasy, and I gave him an enema, which I made him hold while I stimlated his cock. This after a night of tease and denial domination and lots of foot and boot kissing. My more vanilla readers may be shocked at the level of kink Im getting into here, but believe me, these are long held fantasies of mine and now that I live closer to the city I will get to live them out, and write about it, so this blog is even less for the faint of heart than ever! s. was so well behaved all night that he was allowed to taste me for the first time. When I dominate, my pussy gets so wet and slippery, much wetter than sexual touch ever makes me. I let him feel it with his tongue. This was last night, and he came while masturbating and sitting on the toilet releasing his third (mostly clean water) enema while I straddled his face with one boot on the edge of the tub and his mouth was pressed into me.

Today I used my new flogger and spanker on him, and put him through quite a lot of pain, always making him beg me for it first and thank me for it afterwards. Same thing with face-slapping and cock-slapping. I had him restrained the whole time in wrist and ankle restraints and collar. I then began probing his asshole with a set of anal beads, and although he insists he cannot be penetrated very deeply, I proved otherwise. He was also able to be widened thoroughly by use of an inflatable butt plug. For those of you who have never tried one, it is a sexual experience not to be missed. It stays narrow around the anus, but blows up as big as a fist on the inside. It allows the fullness of fisting without the difficult penetration. And it vibrates.

After so much play, he was able to take my larger, ridged, vibrating strap on cock. He was very slutty and ready for it and backed on to it in about 3 seconds with no resistance or pain. When orgasm is close for the sub I love to hear him beg me in a stream-of conciousness way to fuck him, or hurt him, or to tell me that he is my slut and that he belongs to me and will do anything I want. The thing I love to hear most is that he belongs to me. I gave him a good, steady fucking untill he came, with no stimulation on his cock at all. (except very very slight from the sheet below him) Like the bitch he kept telling me he is.

Now I am on the road for a two week road trip to see family and friends. It will be full of support and love, which I need so much right now. And when I return I have much work to do on my cabin, in creating my new life, and in starting my new business as professional sexual royalty.

love to you all, where ever you may be and in what ever circumstances this journal finds you...
- posted by Zoe @ 5:27 PM

 
What's the latest?

1. Went to sex party

2. Met with M/f couple in bdsm relationship at party

3. Spanked girl publicly at party, co-dominating her with her partner. Being exceptionally smart and interesting people, their style together was unique and sexy... It was nice to see an established Master/slave relationship between people I can actually like and respect.

4. Spent the night at k.'s house (the girl mentioned above) a few times, and enjoyed playing a little with D/s... Also just enjoyed being with a girl for the first time in awhile... girls are so snuggly and so delicious! And I was fascinated by being with someone with whom I could relate so well... the shared psychology of both being young women, and having many interests and life experiences in common, made it feel spookily like being with a twin on some level. (Note to G. My fan in Philly: Yes I did eat her pussy. She smelled so good I couldn't stop myself. I think you would have appreciated how full and swollen her pussy lips become when she's aroused. And she gets wet soooo easily!) She is a very pretty and very smart, sassy, bratty submissive. The kind that taunts you into action and makes you want to slap her around. mmmm..... Tried my strap-on with her too. That particular toy has only known men before... but it was nice to see a pretty girl riding it. I loved sleeping in her "owner's" big bed while he was out of town, watching her and I together in the mirror next to the bed, two dark haired dark eyed girls against the backdrop of luxuriously perfect white covers. I really wanted to get in her ass, of course, but her master would not allow that. Probably because he knew it was what I really wanted.

5. Had very frequent anal sex with D. Since my last post. (me being receptive) Lots of "Daddy" D/s roleplay. He knows my body so well after all this time, he knows exactly how to fuck my ass so that I can take it the way he wants me to... hard, and for long enough for him to really enjoy me before he cums. He fetishizes my ass so much, that I get little spankings every time I walk by him in the house. For most of the time since my last post, I was not allowed (by him) to masturbate outside of sexual experiences with other people, so I was constantly horny. I became so desperate that I actually felt like my pussy was burning and I felt like squirming in my chair all the time. In my mind a mantra of "use me, use me" arose. I thought of how I wanted to deny my own submissives orgasm until they begged me to be used, and would crawl to me holding a strap on in their mouth like a dog.

6. Finally revealed some of my most embarrassing fantasies to M. Much to my relief, he was not put off, but rather, wanted to try them all. I am surprised to find that both he and I want to take our sub/Domme relationship to more escalated levels. He didn't know he wanted that type of relationship at all when we started last October, now he is progressing quickly from random, D/s roleplay, into desiring more intensive slave-like training... including consistent rules and roles, and more extreme levels of humiliation and ownership. I have been using lots of orgasm denial with him. I deny him orgasm, use his cock... riding him, and if he feels like he needs to cum he has to ask me to stop, and I frequently slap his cock hard to help him not cum. Then I ride more, stop, slap him, fuck him, slap him... etc etc. One day I did it to him on a remote ocean beach and he wasn't allowed to cum at all. I let him cum the next day while I fucked his ass.

7. Had a threesome with M. and another man... my first mmF experience. I would have liked it even better if the bisexuality was more "forced bi" at my direction, (they were more than willing and very eager!) but they were great eyecandy together, both being so handsome, sexy, and sensuous. I held both their cocks in one of my hands, jerking them off together and rubbing them against each other... B. and I both sucked on M.'s cock for awhile... although at that point I thought it necessary to initiate a safe-sex talk. In the end I masturbated to orgasm with each of them sucking and licking one each of my very sensitive breasts...

8. Also met with B. (the other man besides M. from above) twice on our own for sexual exploration. The first time we drank tequila on a bridge over a creek at night in a park and after hours of sexy talk rolled around on the ground together for awhile... The second time I spent the night at his house and, wasting no time, finger-fucked his ass while jerking him off... I teased him like this for a long time, holding his gaze steadily while I made him hold perfectly still while I took him up to the edge of orgasm repeatedly, watching him become more and more desperate.

9. For the first time in a long time, I had "phone sex." This was with a man s. that I met on the net and have chatted with now and then for months. He lives in the area I am moving to and I expect to meet him when I move there in a few weeks. He is a very kinky submissive with fetishes that seemingly match mine exactly. He also seems unusually nice and interesting. s. -- if you are reading this I look forward to meeting you in person! He called me from a bar, and I made him have two gin martini's. I thoroughly interrogated him about his sexual interests and made him admit some very embarrassing things. Things I'm a little embarrassed to admit here that I like myself. Then he went back to his apt. and I made him beg me for each inch of his dildo that I allowed him to have in his ass while I spun a dirty fantasy involving all of our fetishes. I enjoyed it very much, and he was very cute on the phone.

10. Last night I strap-on fucked M. in the back of my pickup truck, where we were camping out last night by a beautiful river and nice campfire. For the first time, he was able to cum from my strap-on alone, w/ no stimulation on his cock other than some minimal friction from the sheet below him. He begged me for it the whole time, with his arms outstretched in front of him to show me that he wasn't touching himself.

11. Today, with M. on high cliffs above the ocean on one of the most beautiful days of the summer... The water below was sparkling as I have never seen it before. Truly. We ate wild strawberries and then layed down on blankets in tall grass. I enjoyed using his cock some more, holding off his orgasm by punishing his cock for him, and going through more of his "training" (about learning not to cum while being used, ever, except at my command) by alternating between riding his cock, slapping it, and sucking it excruciatingly slowly, while looking into his tortured eyes. After doing this for a long while, naked except for my cowgirl hat, I commanded him to cum and he immediately obeyed. Following this, I masturbated while he fucked my cum-filled pussy with his fingers, until I had an overwhelming orgasm. Out there on the cliffs I could be loud, and afterwards I could marvel at the ocean and the abundant wildflowers.

I feel deep gratitude for all of my good fortune.
- posted by Zoe @ 8:45 PM

 
A NEW POST FOR ONCE!!!

Dearest readers... Alas I have been sooo busy lately I have all but dropped my entire internet-based existance. My job increased from about 25 hours a week to 40+ and I have had a lot to do to prepare for my move to my rustic cabin in the woods in june. I do plan to have internet there, via a solar laptop battery charger and a phone line. I expect e-life will resume somewhat at that point, although I expect to be very busy all summer.

Let me catch you up on my sexual world briefly:

I have no new active partners, still the same two. Since I have last wrote my sub, M. and I have discussed the fact that we are in love, which was quite a relief for me after biting back the words for months now. My partner D. has a new love interest, and it has freed me up somewhat to be more open with my own outside partner... emotionally open I mean. M. is very different than any man Ive been with, in that he is both more "normal" in some ways while being more sexually deviant. His fundamentally respectful, reserved, and thoughtful nature make him pleasure to be with, and our differences are eased by our comfortable way of spending time together.

I have been through ups and downs with D. lately, as many different issues are pressuring our relationship-- our outside relationships and my approaching move being the main two. He will probably not be able to join me in the cabin for 6 months to a year. After almost 5 years together now, I have had some anxiety for the first time in awhile that we might not make it through this next phase as a couple. I have had a lot of anxiety about that with him over the course of the relationship though, just not recently. I have had a lot of worry and abivilence about every relationship I have ever been in. During my recent feelings of instabilty about the relationship, though, there have been some intense periods of closeness, coexistant with the recent lovey-doveyness in my relationship w/ M. Some times I feel intensely in love with both of them at the same time. I love that.

D. and I have a new sexual bargain going on that I am a bit ashamed to admit. I wanted to see M. more often, and be able to have vanilla sex with him if I wanted to and that upset D. because as far as he was concerned the point of the relationship with M. was that I could dominate him and thus I was satisfying something I was unable to satisfy with him. He would like to have vanilla sex with me, especially anal sex, every day of the week if possible. Needless to say thats been far beyond my abilities. So, the rediculous bargain is that I can have more days with M. in exchange for NOT MASTURBATING at all anymore, and giving D. anal sex (me being the receptive party) once for every night I spend with M. after the allowable "free" one night a week. Although we both think this is kind of a fucked up arrangement, we each do end up getting what we want most through it, and we kind of have fun with it and dont take it terribly seriously. Or we like to think we dont.

The arrangement has resulted in me being very horny and lustful all the time from not masturbating. (playing into my submission to forced-chastity fantasies...) Also, I have been seeing M. at least one extra day each week, sometimes two, and so I have to let D. fuck me in the ass a few times a week, which I am only interested in doing if we are in some age-play fantasy where I submit to him via roleplay as a molesting older boyfriend in relationship to myself a-la-nieve-16-year-old. Ive been enjoying the exploitation a lot and have had some insane orgasms while in this compromised position, of buying my freedom through sex. So for those of you who wonder how open relationshps function, I'm here to offer mine as the model of psycological health and mutual respect.

Also on the sexual front, Im considering becoming a pro-domme. I have thought of it for several years but only now has D. given his full endorsement for it. He felt badly about such prosepects in the past for various reasons, including that two of his sisters have done sex-work in the past, and he didn't feel good about it. I have respected his feelings and not done it. Recently he said "its not really any of my business, its your life..." in a very kind way, and so I've been considering it. I would like most to do it if I could be very choosy about the men I was with, and cultivated long standing relationships with sincere and respectful subs, who would support me in exhange for fulfillment of the fantasies we share... I am fascinated by people who share my fetishes. My own sexual drives relating to power and those fetishes are strong enought to make me feel a strong nurturing kinship with others who are also sexually dependant on them. When I was driving through a city this week on my way to my cabin, I talked with an old friend of mine who is an ex-pro-domme about this idea and she said she would be interested in starting up again herself and running a business with me if I go through with it. Who knows? It's still in the idea phase. Im considering it and I thought you would be interested. Sbould I do it? M. says he will be my body guard. And participate on occasion. Yumm...


- posted by Zoe @ 9:05 PM

 
Why do I like to dominate?

It is something I wonder about often, usually with a misty-eyed sentimentality. At any given moment you might find me dreamily pondering the various beauties of the sub/Domme relationship and the truths about humanity, and maybe even about the nature of reality, that it reveals. Tonight, after drinking a saccharine glass of coconut flavored rum, I make a more cynical investigation.

1.) Dommes get away with being older and less stereotypically attractive than your average lady, and still are worshipped for their sexual power. We are just outnumbered by male submissives so greatly and hold such a unique power to satisfy them that we seem to be able to get away with anything. Not that I'm either older or stereotypically not-attractive, but it probably does help me feel more comfortable about getting older. Perhaps this rivals the kind of assurance men feel in getting older that they could probably still get younger women if they wanted to.

2.) Maybe I like subjecting men to these extreme experiences of physical and emotional sensation because its the only way I can get enough passion out of them that we can finally relate.

3.) Maybe its revenge on the popular boys in school who used to call me names and throw things at me.

4.) Maybe its revenge on the popular girls at school who are now married to the types of men who used to be the popular boys. The types of men who grew up to be people in charge of things, but sexually desire to be powerless, secretly lusting after women like me, their desires threatening to ruin their idyllic and much-sacrificed-for family lives.

5.) Maybe its a diversion the bourgeoisie in me entertains because my life not only lacks true engagement in meaningful political struggle for power, but also lacks any real understanding of suffering or concepts of slavery, powerlessness, and even torture that I play with as if it were a child's toy.

6.) Maybe I got desensitised to regular sex by over-exposure to smutty stories and novels in my teens, and it ruined my potential to be a normal, healthy, married woman.

7.) Maybe its a form of escapeism or a distraction from more serious work I should be doing.

8.) Maybe its totally unoriginal like everything else.

9.) Maybe its because my psychology is totally warped by the power hierarchies we all live with, so that I can only enjoy pleasure in the context of inequality.

10.) Maybe its because my sense of self-worth as a female is wrapped up with my feeling that I am desirable to others, and when I am a Domme I experience an amplified level of desirability to the extent that I am actually worshipped like a queen. It is quite something to watch men endure incredible pain applied to their tender-parts to demonstrate their dedication.

11.) Maybe it's because my sense of self-worth as a female is wrapped up in my ability to care for and nurture others, and in BDSM I experience an amplified level of responsibility and care-taking. In this role I am responsible for the basic safety and wellness of the submissive, precisely like that of a child in danger. Not only that, but I am intensely tuned in to satisfying very subtle and obscure sexual needs. Definitely a heightened sense of selflessness. Especially considering I don't like to have the submissive pleasure me sexually. I get off attending to his sexual needs for hours and wind up totally stimulated without ever being touched.

12.) Maybe I feel most comfortable being sexual with men when they are totally passive and don't initiate anything that I don't really want to do.

13.) Maybe relating to men in a fetish context is the best way I can find to get a man to be creative and sensual with me. Maybe it's the best way I know to have the stimulation be primarily psychological rather than physical for both of us instead of only one of us.

14.) Maybe its the only context I know of in which I can expect that the man will show emotional vulnerability and deep appreciation of me.

15.) Why wouldn't everyone want to have a slave if it could be done without the usual problems with guilt over the non-consensual nature of it?

16.) Maybe this lifestyle strengthens me against the intense emotional vulnerability I experience in my own primary relationship.

Those are the first 16 reasons I thought of, I'm sure there are many more. But alas, I am exhausted and must now go to bed beside my sleeping man, as usual masturbating before sleep to thoughts of my favorite aroused and humiliated secretary. If you have any cynical thoughts about the nature of your own sexuality feel free to share them with us. Just do me a favor and don't speculate about additional reasons for mine, thank-you-very-much. I would like to recommend a glass of coconut flavored rum to wash it all down.
- posted by Zoe @ 1:59 AM